Free To A Good Home - boyfriend

I’m giving my boyfriend away, free, to a good home. Boyfriend is housebroke (which means he can never pay the rent) and hung. Amazingly hung, which is such a waste considering he’s an unbelievably, selfish, unrelenting, uncompromising, non-versatile bottom! It is, however, visual compensation for the bad head he gives, sometimes confusing my penis for a chew-toy. If he ever goes down in a plane crash, no need for dental records. Just match the teeth to the marks on my dick. When posting an ad. on CL (which he thinks I don’t know about) he’s not just a bottom, he’s an ‘insatiable bottom’ which he has misspelled. And, if you ask him the definition of insatiable he will reply, “It’s something you lick.”

It’s unlikely that you’ll find him wasting time thinking, using his imagination or reading. He does, however, possess an amazing ability to text message at an astounding rate with his opposable thumbs on a microscopic, numeric keypad. His dedication to honesty should be noted. Technically speaking, he’s never lied to me; he just avoids the truth. As he puts it, “The truth takes too fuckin’ long!” I think he may be a superhero because he kums faster than a speeding bullet, can leap over tall piles of dirty laundry in a single bound and can see through all his friends. He’ll tell you he’s a freshman at the university majoring in pharmacology. Actually, he’s a THIRD year freshman with an unhealthy preoccupation with drugs.

I’ve tried unsuccessfully to teach him about the concept called respect. But, unfortunately, I’m no Annie Sullivan with an unlimited amount of patience, willing to stand at a water pump signing R-E-S-P-E-C-T into Keller’s cheating little hand. He’ll admit he has commitment and self-esteem issues but is quick to add that it’s not entirely his fault. Evidently, when he was born, his mother announced to his father, “I don’t care what it is! I’m raising it as a girl!” And, whenever the family was out in public and ran into acquaintances, his father would would put his hand on top of Keller's head and say, “Yup, we have three, one of each.”

I’d like to keep him but I’ve finally realized the problem with our relationship, WE'RE BOTH IN LOVE WITH HIM and hate me. So he’s yours, free of charge, to a good home. All you have to do is drive by and pick him up. But, as soon as he gets in he’s gonna want food and a bowl.